weeeeeeee........

Well my dears, some good news at last, I saw my oncologist yesterday and my latest MRI results show that the chemotherapy is having an effect on the tumour, with a reduction of 1.5 cm in size and a thinning of the cellular membrane that encloses it.
Phew...
I was starting to worry that I wouldn't respond to the chemo or worse that I had left it too late and the tumour was too dense to be able to be penetrated by the chemotherapy. Praise the lord !!!!!!! It also looks a lot less angry and mutant-like, this thing is 25cm in diameter and there is very little room for it to grow anywhere but out through the skin so this is such a relief for me. This is the first bit of good news I've gotten in a while and it feels like the healing process has finally begun.
My oncologist is very happy with this news and anticipates further reduction until we can get it down to a size that is small enough to do a lumpectomy, so I may be able to avoid a total mastectomy after all......
Chemotherapy wise I am feeling good and strong with little side effects to report thus far, I was removed from the clinical trial at my request because I was experiencing blurry vision which was reported as a permanent side effect of the drug I was randomized to, still have it and hoping it goes away.
That's it for now my loves, just thought you might like to know this good development.
Sending you all love and blessings and am trying to get caught up on the email backlog !

Sisters of the Moon

Hey everyone! I wanted to write
a little piece about my recent trip to California. I had three weeks to spend time with Ais and just to see her in the flesh, hug her and let her know how much she means to me was truly amazing. Though I was excited to be with my sis I was a bit nervous too since I was aware of how concerned our family was about Aisling’s health and well-being.

It was hard for Ais to have me shadowing around in her space from breakfast till bedtime, but I think it was really beneficial for both of us to understand what really is going on with her right now: ALOT!

It was nice to have time to talk without restrictions, and between all the appointments and…. even more appointments we managed to do some really nice things. Actually, when I look back on the time we had together, I’ve some really beautiful memories like when Ais was happy and a little carefree, picking wildflowers in Golden Gate park in the morning sun (this is a secret and special spot for Ais). It was really nice to be together amongst the giant trees and tiny flowers.

Ais also took me cycling in her neighborhood, the salty “Outer Sunset,” and whilst I was tentatively going down the long hill to the sea, Ais was gone like a flash, giggling in the distance and feeling happy. It was times like these that stand out most for me because she was happy and it felt good to see that.

During my visit I got to know her lovely housemates, Matt, Kelsey, Sarah, Gill and Lyndsey. They were so welcoming and understanding by letting me share their space. I know this must have been hard sometimes but they are the loveliest xxx

Aisling’s friends in San Francisco are really great people and I had so much fun getting to know Margaret and Emily (hot mamas!!!!) XXX

It was nice to be able to help Aisling as her schedule was pretty hectic. Managing a special diet, keeping up with appointments and holding down a job, she has been going around the clock for a long time and it became pretty clear that she needed to stop and simply take in what is happening to her. It’s easy to just keep going, never stopping, but then we can lose sight of the important stuff like being good to ourselves and letting others help. So with a fell swoop one night, Ais slowed down and realized that chemotherapy and a structured recovery plan would be better in her situation. She also realized that she needed more support.

Dear family and friends, I know it has been a sad year for us though the only way to get through tough times is by supporting each other, no matter how far away. I know Ais was really overwhelmed in the weeks after her diagnosis and found simple things like accepting a call really difficult.  I feel very sad that Aisling is going through this battle relatively alone and if I could say anything about how we can help our beautiful sister, niece, cousin and friend, then it would be simply to reach out and call her, email her or send a card, just so she feels our support. I assure you that it will mean the world to her (and me too!).

Though I saw her smile, I also saw my sister really sad and worried about her health and future and I found this hard because I love her so so much and because she is usually such a vibrant and compassionate person. I know that we all feel the same way towards her xx. She is being a real warrior through this and, even though she has cancer, most of the time I couldn’t keep up with her level of energy! She is a beautiful person who is going through a difficult time in her life but I just know that when she gets through this she will be stronger and ready to help others by sharing what she’ll have learnt from her life xxxx

It is hard to be apart from her but I respect her wishes to be wherever she feels is the best place for her to recover and heal from the cancer. We can, however, help her by all the little gestures and love we send her way x

Xx Maeve

Decisions, decisions.....

 Well my loves it's been a while since I've updated and a lot has happened in that short window...
My darling sister Maeve came to see me for three weeks and she was amazing beyond words, waiting on me hand and foot, spending hours cooking me the most delicious food, organising me to a minute of my life and generally being my hero....I miss her so much it brings tears to my eyes...
Having her here gave me the break I needed to stop, relax and reflect, something I hadn't done since the initial diagnosis. She made me see that whilst I was just about holding it together doing everything myself, I was running myself ragged trying to juggle work, cooking, researching and finding the right people to help me... So I took a breath, let her care for me and got to thinking.....
I realised that what I was trying to do wasn't working, that I was deep in denial and shock over my mum's death and this cancer...... and as much as I wanted to treat this cancer naturally, I had run out of time for that, the lump was huge and growing and I had new sensations in my lymph nodes, so with a heavy heart I called my oncologist at UCSF and told her that I'd changed my mind and would in fact do chemotherapy.

As everyone else let out a sigh of relief, I tried to process my own about turn, it's hard to partake in something that you fundamentally disagree with, despite the fact that it does help cure a lot of people, I still think that conventional cancer treatment is barbaric and brutal medicine, often times making the patient more sick as a result. It seems crazy to me that in this day and age, the only guaranteed way to cure this breast cancer with conventional medicine means that I may go into instant menopause, denying me the chance to have kids of my own..... that's a hard pill to swallow when it's your womb you may be destroying.
Still, there is always hope, I was told today that I may have a slim chance of conceiving after it's all over, so I'll take that like a chancer and hope for the best, I've always been incredibly jammy in life so I don't see why this should be any different........fingers and toes and tubes crossed...

After all my desperate running around trying to find an effective cancer therapy, I must admit it feels good to be in capable hands again, I met with my oncology team last Wednesday for the first time since May and we went over the results of the latest PET/CT and MRI's done, they came back with some growth in the tumour that has attached itself to the pectoral wall and a little spreading into the lymph nodes but overall the rest of my body is cancer free......lucky ladybug.. good news folks.

So the plan is 5 months of chemotherapy, which is 12 weekly Wednesday infusions of Taxol (Paclitaxel ) followed by 8 weeks of AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan ) to reduce the size of the tumour and then surgery.  In addition to this I decided to participate in a clinical trial, the drug I am currently on right now targets angiogenesis, which starves the tumour of blood supply, nutrients and oxygen, preventing further growth and possible size reduction, here's hoping it works it's magic.....I just completed my second week of chemo and am feeling fine with no major side effects to complain of, I'd say all the supplements and the angelic diet I've been on have a lot to do with it, they said my bloods are fantastic so happy days so far.....long may it last.
That's it for now, love and light and all things bright to you all xxxxx