Update Update !!! Read all about it !

I'm alive !!! Haha.. surgery went really well and I'm doing great, the ladies tell me I look good and apart from the pain I'm flying, well, y'know.... more later I just wanted to let ye know that I'm fine, love love love to one and all xxxxxx
Ps that's my pious Caravaggio face..

Glory be to eyebrows and the eyelashes and the hair on my head, Amen !

Hello my lovelies !
Well it's been a while since my last update so I'll fill you in really quick...I finished my last dose of chemo on Nov 20th and have been recovering ever since. It's wonderful to put that behind me and to know that I will never again feel that noxious nausea that made me feel sick to my toes. I wake up feeling better every day as it drains from my body and my immune system recovers.
My gifted acupuncturist Caylie See tells me my pulses improve greatly with each passing week since the chemo ended and that she can hear all of my organ pulses waking up, meaning I am getting stronger in body, mind and spirit.
To my amazement the hair on my head and face started growing back in in the middle of the toughest chemo. I chalk it down to Chinese herbs and my amazing protocol of supplements. I have an almost full head of  soft chicken fluff hair now and will be able to discard the cancer hat very soon and rock the Sinead for a bit, happy days !
The next part of treatment is surgery, which is happening tomorrow ! It'll be a total skin sparing bilateral mastectomy, meaning they'll remove all the breast tissue and leave the skin, with reconstruction later. I am blessed to have an incredible team of  UCSF surgeons giving me the best care I could possibly get, I am thrilled that I decided to do it here in the States and at this hospital, where the level of care is impressive.
Am I worried about the surgery ? Yeah a teeny bit, about as much as anyone would worry about being under anesthesia for 5 hours, but I trust my two surgeons and I trust in my own healing process and that makes it a lot easier.
It's been a long road so far dealing with all of this and at times it's been incredibly hard to go it alone, but strange as it sounds I think that this was meant to be just as it is to teach me about my own strength and to open me up even more to love and to love more. I have done some work to heal the emotional wounds that were part of the reason I got this in the first place and because of that I am ready to let go of old pains and have the cancer physically removed from my body and spirit. So yes I feel ready for it and I know that they will get every last bit of cancer out of my body.
For the last few days I have felt like I've been held in a cocoon of love by all of you, really. I have received so many emails and calls and texts wishing me well and letting me know that I am in your thoughts. I feel almost full to bursting with love and support ! Thank you for all your kind thoughts, love and well wishes, I can feel it very clearly, warming my heart, it gives me so much strength, I feel like superwoman !
Last but not least I want to thank Sean and Brenda Hurley and all of the members of the 31st Cadet class, the extended Hurley family and all of Pat and Milly's dear dear friends who gave so generously to my fundraiser to help me out at this time, your response has overwhelmed me and I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and generosity, it is such an enormous help. Cancer is a terrible thing, but the love, support and humanity you see and feel when you're in it makes it more than tolerable, it makes it magical. You have given me the gift of time to heal in peace and I wish you many blessings in return for your kindness.

Well folks, one must go into prepare mode for tomorrow's big day ! My sister Maeve is with me so she will update my blog post surgery when I'm in the clear and all is well, so sign up for updates if you want to get that email, it'll save her responding to multiple people. Surgery starts around noon SF time tomorrow, (8pm Irish time) and will be 5/6 hours long. So send healing love instead of worry and all will be well.
I am sending you all a magical ball of love, light and gratitude ! See you on the other side xxxxxxxx

Bald as a baldy coot...

Well loves, it's been an interesting few weeks, which started with switching to the tougher double chemotherapy dose called AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan)....a lovely vintage with a musty bouquet of the 70's, with distinct noxious undertones that bring to mind the grassy meadows of Chernobyl on a hot summers day.... hmmm delicious.
 I get the IV infusion on a Wednesday and feel nauseous and disgusting till Sunday. The only way I can describe it is toxic chemical overload.
The first dose was a little much for my bones and sent me into hospital for a few days, nothing too drastic, just neutropenia with a slight fever and a very strange skin reaction to one of the medications that goes along with the treatment.
Simply put cancer is cells multiplying out of control. Chemotherapy works by chemically killing all multiplying cells in your body, cancerous and healthy cells get nuked in the process, this hammers your immune system and takes your blood counts down to very low levels. Conventional cancer treatment is a balancing act of killing the tumour, watching the bloods very closely and making sure the patient is not in the danger zone bloods-wise of having zero white blood cells left to fight off any infection. Neutropenia is a classic side effect of chemotherapy where the fighter bees of the immune system, the white blood cell count or neutrophils, get down to almost nothing, leaving the body very vulnerable because it no longer has the ability to fight off infection, so a simple cold or flu could turn serious fast. Word to the wise; stay well away from a cancer patient if you're sick, the end.
Oncology treats this with a shot called Neupogen or Neulasta that triggers the bone marrow to make more neutrophils, elevating your white blood cell count out of the danger zone. They suspect that I might have had a reaction to the Neulasta shot and my body couldn't handle it, that or they overdosed me and should have given me a week off between the different chemo regimens but hey ! I'm just the patient, what do I know ?!
I had a bit of a fever and an elevated heart rate that normalised after the fever broke so they sent me home. Honestly it was nice to have a break and be waited on hand and foot for a few days by the fabulous staff at UCSF. So much love and thanks to Emily and Margerat for staying with me that weekend.
Treatment wise, I am 4 months in and have two months or more to go, depending. My little friend the tumour continues to reduce cm by cm, down now to 8cm square ! I have two more fortnightly chemo infusions and then a months break before surgery some time in December, then another break and then possible radiation, we'll see. It's all depending on what is left of the cancer after surgery, in my head and my heart I am visualising having no cancer left to radiate, so pray for that instead of worrying about me.
In other news the hair is gone. So have my eyebrows and eyelashes, I look like a cancer patient now, or a baby gerbil, or Duncan Goodhew without the swimming muscles, take your pick but for a vain woman like me it's quite the thing to adjust to. It's incredible how lack of facial hair changes the face, I look so different without it, it's embarrassing really, making simple things like getting a coffee or going to the store a cringe worthy event. People don't mean to but they stare and it makes you feel like a freak, making this one of the hardest parts of the treatment. This will change as I adjust to it, it's just how I feel right now.
After the second dose of AC, the hair went, poof ! Jesus this is strong stuff, you can feel it in your blood, from your throat down to your bowels, when it's doing it's thing and killing those cells during that 5 day period you are taken down in body and spirit, you've only energy to lie down and moan at how utterly disgusting it is. My eyes look different, they lose their spark and my skin looks yellow, it makes you feel sad and despondent, horrible stuff. Then once it's done it's cycle you start to feel better and like your old self again, you have a week to recover and then they dose you again. Fun times. 2 down 2 to go......
On a lighter note my wonderful friends here in SF have set up a meal train where they bring me delicious meals to get me through those five days when I don't have the energy to cook, it's been an amazing help and I thank you all so much for your time, love and energy, especially to Kishi Fuller, a strong and beautiful woman who organised the whole thing, thanks mama !
Thanks to all of you beautiful souls for your calls, cards, emails and texts, it really really helps.
That's another pulitzer prize worthy post for ye folks ! Sending you all sooo much love !

Lucky lucky ladybug...

Where the hell does the time go ? It's been well over a month since my last update, what a slacker....can I pull the cancer card ? too early for cancer humour ? never.
 As you can see the hair had to go, it started to fall out in the shower a month ago and then it became two disgusting dreads so I gave it a buzz cut, it was shocking at first but I'm used to it now, in fact I am loving the little bit of hair I have because pretty soon I'll be bald as a coot with no eyebrows and sweet baby Jesus that'll be another story.
 Treatment is going as well as could be expected, the tumour is continuing to shrink with the latest measurements at a mere 10 x 9, hugely reduced by more than half after 10 weeks. Fantastic.
This week is the first week where I've really felt the effects of chemotherapy with tiredness, sore bones and feeling like my body is letting me down, it must be how ageing is, little things like struggling to open a jar or my hand aching when I try to write, it catches me by surprise and humbles me.... picture me there in the kitchen, jar in hand, spacing out and wondering how could I, superwoman, be affected by chemo.....moi, Kermie ? yes Piggy even you....
 I have always believed that attitude is everything, especially in the case of cancer, I am learning to come out of deep space upstairs and reign in my wandering mind by telling my immune system it's healing and getting better and that everything is going to be fine, instead of feeling like a helpless victim to a misunderstood disease out of control, so far I think it's working.
 As for how I am feeling, sometimes I feel like I'm on an extreme learning curve and have been for a while, life has really been throwing it at me in many ways and I've been taking the time to try and step back and see a bigger picture than one that could appear very sad and unfair. Why do certain people get sick and others not, why do some make it and others not ? What's underneath it all ? These are the things that I have been looking at long and hard for a few months now, looking at my own reasons and trying to heal every aspect of why I am here going through this. To me, cancer is a big wake up call that you must listen to. You have to learn to forgive whatever you're holding onto and let go. We carry so much stuff around in our hearts and then wonder why we feel less than happy, it's ridiculous isn't it ? Well maybe not, it took cancer for me to see that. It's really challenging at times but I'm working hard because more than anything I want to get better and come out the other side. I want to heal every facet of my body, mind and soul so that I can be of help to others going through this and shine a light onto what can be a very dark time but needn't be, it can be joyful, meaningful and if you try and make it so, illuminating.
 The one and only Studdert family organised an amazing tea morning for me recently and reading the lovely card that you sent I am touched that so many of my beloved parents friends came along and gave so generously, it meant so much and I thank you all so much for your love and support.
 Because of everyone's help and generosity I have the time and energy to devote to healing and some self- reflection, this would be a very different and difficult experience for me if it wasn't for your help, I am so grateful for your loving and giving hearts, the laughs and the letters and reaching out all push me along and keep me sane so thank you my friends, I am sooo grateful to you all.
 Please know that I am getting your emails and messages, this process can be overwhelming and communication can be the hardest part, I have long lists and I am trying to get back to you, be patient with me, I am so happy to hear from you.
 Well this update has been plaguing me for weeks so I better hit send and be done with it,
 Sending you all so much love and more than looking forward to some big and beautiful hugs when this is all said and done,
Aisling xxxxxx

weeeeeeee........

Well my dears, some good news at last, I saw my oncologist yesterday and my latest MRI results show that the chemotherapy is having an effect on the tumour, with a reduction of 1.5 cm in size and a thinning of the cellular membrane that encloses it.
Phew...
I was starting to worry that I wouldn't respond to the chemo or worse that I had left it too late and the tumour was too dense to be able to be penetrated by the chemotherapy. Praise the lord !!!!!!! It also looks a lot less angry and mutant-like, this thing is 25cm in diameter and there is very little room for it to grow anywhere but out through the skin so this is such a relief for me. This is the first bit of good news I've gotten in a while and it feels like the healing process has finally begun.
My oncologist is very happy with this news and anticipates further reduction until we can get it down to a size that is small enough to do a lumpectomy, so I may be able to avoid a total mastectomy after all......
Chemotherapy wise I am feeling good and strong with little side effects to report thus far, I was removed from the clinical trial at my request because I was experiencing blurry vision which was reported as a permanent side effect of the drug I was randomized to, still have it and hoping it goes away.
That's it for now my loves, just thought you might like to know this good development.
Sending you all love and blessings and am trying to get caught up on the email backlog !

Sisters of the Moon

Hey everyone! I wanted to write
a little piece about my recent trip to California. I had three weeks to spend time with Ais and just to see her in the flesh, hug her and let her know how much she means to me was truly amazing. Though I was excited to be with my sis I was a bit nervous too since I was aware of how concerned our family was about Aisling’s health and well-being.

It was hard for Ais to have me shadowing around in her space from breakfast till bedtime, but I think it was really beneficial for both of us to understand what really is going on with her right now: ALOT!

It was nice to have time to talk without restrictions, and between all the appointments and…. even more appointments we managed to do some really nice things. Actually, when I look back on the time we had together, I’ve some really beautiful memories like when Ais was happy and a little carefree, picking wildflowers in Golden Gate park in the morning sun (this is a secret and special spot for Ais). It was really nice to be together amongst the giant trees and tiny flowers.

Ais also took me cycling in her neighborhood, the salty “Outer Sunset,” and whilst I was tentatively going down the long hill to the sea, Ais was gone like a flash, giggling in the distance and feeling happy. It was times like these that stand out most for me because she was happy and it felt good to see that.

During my visit I got to know her lovely housemates, Matt, Kelsey, Sarah, Gill and Lyndsey. They were so welcoming and understanding by letting me share their space. I know this must have been hard sometimes but they are the loveliest xxx

Aisling’s friends in San Francisco are really great people and I had so much fun getting to know Margaret and Emily (hot mamas!!!!) XXX

It was nice to be able to help Aisling as her schedule was pretty hectic. Managing a special diet, keeping up with appointments and holding down a job, she has been going around the clock for a long time and it became pretty clear that she needed to stop and simply take in what is happening to her. It’s easy to just keep going, never stopping, but then we can lose sight of the important stuff like being good to ourselves and letting others help. So with a fell swoop one night, Ais slowed down and realized that chemotherapy and a structured recovery plan would be better in her situation. She also realized that she needed more support.

Dear family and friends, I know it has been a sad year for us though the only way to get through tough times is by supporting each other, no matter how far away. I know Ais was really overwhelmed in the weeks after her diagnosis and found simple things like accepting a call really difficult.  I feel very sad that Aisling is going through this battle relatively alone and if I could say anything about how we can help our beautiful sister, niece, cousin and friend, then it would be simply to reach out and call her, email her or send a card, just so she feels our support. I assure you that it will mean the world to her (and me too!).

Though I saw her smile, I also saw my sister really sad and worried about her health and future and I found this hard because I love her so so much and because she is usually such a vibrant and compassionate person. I know that we all feel the same way towards her xx. She is being a real warrior through this and, even though she has cancer, most of the time I couldn’t keep up with her level of energy! She is a beautiful person who is going through a difficult time in her life but I just know that when she gets through this she will be stronger and ready to help others by sharing what she’ll have learnt from her life xxxx

It is hard to be apart from her but I respect her wishes to be wherever she feels is the best place for her to recover and heal from the cancer. We can, however, help her by all the little gestures and love we send her way x

Xx Maeve

Decisions, decisions.....

 Well my loves it's been a while since I've updated and a lot has happened in that short window...
My darling sister Maeve came to see me for three weeks and she was amazing beyond words, waiting on me hand and foot, spending hours cooking me the most delicious food, organising me to a minute of my life and generally being my hero....I miss her so much it brings tears to my eyes...
Having her here gave me the break I needed to stop, relax and reflect, something I hadn't done since the initial diagnosis. She made me see that whilst I was just about holding it together doing everything myself, I was running myself ragged trying to juggle work, cooking, researching and finding the right people to help me... So I took a breath, let her care for me and got to thinking.....
I realised that what I was trying to do wasn't working, that I was deep in denial and shock over my mum's death and this cancer...... and as much as I wanted to treat this cancer naturally, I had run out of time for that, the lump was huge and growing and I had new sensations in my lymph nodes, so with a heavy heart I called my oncologist at UCSF and told her that I'd changed my mind and would in fact do chemotherapy.

As everyone else let out a sigh of relief, I tried to process my own about turn, it's hard to partake in something that you fundamentally disagree with, despite the fact that it does help cure a lot of people, I still think that conventional cancer treatment is barbaric and brutal medicine, often times making the patient more sick as a result. It seems crazy to me that in this day and age, the only guaranteed way to cure this breast cancer with conventional medicine means that I may go into instant menopause, denying me the chance to have kids of my own..... that's a hard pill to swallow when it's your womb you may be destroying.
Still, there is always hope, I was told today that I may have a slim chance of conceiving after it's all over, so I'll take that like a chancer and hope for the best, I've always been incredibly jammy in life so I don't see why this should be any different........fingers and toes and tubes crossed...

After all my desperate running around trying to find an effective cancer therapy, I must admit it feels good to be in capable hands again, I met with my oncology team last Wednesday for the first time since May and we went over the results of the latest PET/CT and MRI's done, they came back with some growth in the tumour that has attached itself to the pectoral wall and a little spreading into the lymph nodes but overall the rest of my body is cancer free......lucky ladybug.. good news folks.

So the plan is 5 months of chemotherapy, which is 12 weekly Wednesday infusions of Taxol (Paclitaxel ) followed by 8 weeks of AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan ) to reduce the size of the tumour and then surgery.  In addition to this I decided to participate in a clinical trial, the drug I am currently on right now targets angiogenesis, which starves the tumour of blood supply, nutrients and oxygen, preventing further growth and possible size reduction, here's hoping it works it's magic.....I just completed my second week of chemo and am feeling fine with no major side effects to complain of, I'd say all the supplements and the angelic diet I've been on have a lot to do with it, they said my bloods are fantastic so happy days so far.....long may it last.
That's it for now, love and light and all things bright to you all xxxxx