SBJ: sweet baby Jesus folks, here we go again....

Beloved friends and family, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you this and take you down this road with me again but god am I glad to have you.
Yes folks, it's back.........bloody hell.
Digest that for a minute if you will and I'll tell you a story.
All was peachy as far as I was concerned, I had the cancer licked, the hair was growing like mad, my energy levels were improving and I felt stronger than I had in months. I went home and saw friends and family and everyone was delighted to see me looking healthy and in good form. During that trip home I had some pain in clavicle area of my chest and shoulder and thought it was a side effect of radiation, but it kept getting worse to the point that the pain of it woke me up every night. I noticed a pea sized node just above the clavicle bone and thought oh Jesus, please don't let that be what I think it is. To my horror the lump tripled in size over the four week period till it was actually noticeable and protruding from my neck. I was really hoping it was lymphodema or radiation fibrosis but deep down I had a sinking feeling and tried to keep it at bay, I contacted my team here in SF and was seen as soon as I got back.

I went in there on Monday morning half terrified, half hopeful. My favourite nurse practitioner took one look at my neck and got out her measuring tape (oh god....) then she called my Oncologist to come up and see it for herself (oh shit...) Then she looks at me and says "honey... I hate to tell you this but I think your cancer is back"..... my heart sank and my head dropped, my oncologist concurred and I just wept, we all cried, they held me in a group hug as the gutting reality sunk in, how the hell could this be happening....

After a very shaky morning where I cried right through my labs and biopsy, I drove out to the beach and yelled and screamed, then went about the horrible task of calling friends and family and dropping a bomb on their world once again. It's been a tough week, I absolutely hate telling people, my heart drops seeing the sadness in their eyes and hearing the devastation and worry in their voice, knowing that we have to go through all the stress and worry again is just, well, there are no words.

From the initial meeting on Monday they felt at least two tumours, above and below the clavicle on my right side where the previous tumour was, the super clavicular node just above was measured at 4cm x 3cm, the one below about the same. They ordered a biopsy and full body PET scan to see how extensive the cancer was. I asked them to give it to me straight, no bullshit, (Oncologists can be like lawyers, never really giving you a straight answer and dancing around tough questions with carefully chosen words). Basically, if the PET showed that it was local, they could probably cure me again, but if it had spread to another part of the body or organs, we were looking at metastatic stage 4 and the prognosis was not good. It took them four long days to get back to me with the results, by Thursday I was going mental waiting and had to distract myself with ridiculous projects like dyeing a duvet cover and whipping coconut oil into a cream to keep my mind and hands occupied....

Finally they called and the results are both good and bad: it is a local recurrence, (the same rare and aggressive triple-negative lobular cancer, recurring in the same area, just a little higher) meaning it's nowhere else in the body, no lungs, liver or bones affected, good news. It is however, extensive in both my chest wall and the nodes in the upper breast area, with two to three tumours around the clavicle, the one you can actually see at the base of my neck is a concern to them because technically that's spreading out of the breast area, that and the fact that it came up so fast, it's size and cellular activity is why they are staging it all at stage 4...... That was hard to hear, as a cancer patient you really dread that number, it's loaded with fear and memories of those we have loved and lost.
With these results, I asked her if she still saw this as curable and she danced around the question. The thing is, is that they just don't know, they are still chasing cancer down the street and haven't fully caught up to it, there are many aspects of the disease that elude even the most prominent oncologists, it really can be a bit of a guessing game as to how a patient will respond and why. Mine remains hopeful that I will respond positively to chemo like last time and that the tumour will shrink into something they can easily remove with surgery, I'll take that optimism and run with it.
Treatment wise it looks much the same as last year, without the planned and structured time frames. This time it's more of an aggressive attack plan, then wait and see. I begin weekly chemo this Wednesday and I'm probably looking at another 5 months of that and maybe more if I don't respond, then surgery, then possibly more radiation.....good times. I am to do another double-whammy of delicious 1970's chemotherapy drugs, the stars this time being Abraxine and my old friend Carboplatin, lovely vintage, great nose with a long smooth finish....hmmm can't wait. Carbo worked a charm last time so let's hope for a repeat performance.

As for me and my heart and mind, I'm doing ok, well better than ok considering, a weird calm has come over me that I can't explain. This week has been exhausting, heartbreaking and stressful and I'm glad it's over, now I'm just accepting and getting on with it as best I can. Friday was the 4th of July here and I decided to spend it with good friends and have a laugh instead of wallowing at home. The picture above is of me and my dear friend Phil in a three-legged race crossing the finish line (it was a rematch but technically we won the first time too ;)) ....so you see, I'm my usual self, I have energy, I look healthy and I've got plenty of fight in me .......
I've decided that I'm not accepting this stage 4 shaky diagnosis, not in a denial sense, more like defiant. I do not agree with my team when they say they may be chasing this one for some time. I believe that my attitude and spirit had as much to do with my remission last time as the treatment they gave me. I have been blessed with a strong heart and a deep knowing that what you decide will be, will be. Well I'm not going anywhere and don't you believe otherwise, if we learned anything from last time it's that I'm a stubborn, determined lunatic who will not lie down..... (but I will lie down and rest when I need to, promise ;)) Whilst the thought of the next few months is daunting, I have the experience of last year under my belt now, I know what's ahead of me and I know I can do it again, maybe even better this time. I have an extraordinary team of doctors, nurses, acupuncturists, TCM practitioners, sound healers and Reiki masters who care about me and want more than anything to see me well, they got me through it with flying colours last time and they are by my side once again. My dear friends here and family at home have swooped in around me, pledging once again their undying love, support and help and I am beyond grateful to you all for making me feel loved and supported, with your help I can do anything. You blow me away with your patience, tenacity and huge hearts, what would I do without you ?? Be screwed that's what.

Well loves I think that about covers the story so far, I know you're worried and it's perfectly natural to be, but instead of worrying, I would rather you sent me love and healing wishes instead, it reaches much farther and does a much better job. So imagine me better, annoying you, laughing with you and thriving, full of the joys with all of this behind me, see that in your minds eye and heart and we'll be there before you know it.
I am blessed to have you in my life and by my side in this and in all things,
All my love to each and every one of you and thanks for listening xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Long road, my legs are knackered...

Dearest loves, forgive my absence these past two months, I've been very busy learning how to really relax and fobbing off all obligations, something I needed to learn how to do. 
So what's been happening ? 
Well, I decided to take an extra month off to recover after surgery, going straight from chop to burn just seemed bonkers to me, so I politely disagreed with my radiation oncologist and took two instead of one month off to recover, I knew it was what my body and mind needed. I was after all, doing everything I once swore I would never do and I had to take my sweet time to come to terms with it. 
I was pretty set against doing the recommended radiation after surgery,  as far as I was concerned I'd been given the all clear, I felt better than I had in years and all was well, why would I burn the bejesus out of myself just as a precaution ? Pre-surgery, my radiation oncologist said I had a 20-25% chance of recurrence, I saw that as a 75% chance of being healthy for the rest of my life and yes'd her to death when she strongly recommended treatment. I told them I needed more time to make my decision and got very busy being completely confused. 
On one hand I was cancer free and didn't want to be bullied into doing a harmful treatment because of fear based statistics, on the other hand I knew that my triple-negative lobular is a nasty aggressive breast cancer that tends to recur in the chest wall....hmmmm ....Totally head-wrecked I consulted with my sage acupuncturist at Pine street clinic, he wisely had me gather all the facts of my case and knowing that I record every single meeting, asked me to summarize the last two meetings with my radiation oncologist. This forced me to listen to those meetings with objective ears and to my surprise I heard something I didn't want to hear the first time. She told me that based on my age, cancer type and the fact that chemo didn't nuke my cancer entirely, that each of those individual factors puts me into the 25-35% rate of recurrence bracket, however and this was the thing, there is no data on hand to guesstimate what happens when a patient has all three factors, she intuits that with these factors combined I was in the high 45-50% rate of recurrence in the chest wall and that doing radiation treatment would bring this down to 10%. Well.....those are some numbers...
That was my 90% of my decision right there.
Then I played the game of regret reduction, could I live with those numbers, even if it was a scare tactic ? Could I move past this and get on with the rest of my life and not have those numbers niggle away at me till I was driven demented ? The answer was NO and besides, everyone I spoke to had stories to tell of women who had refused radiation for the same reasons, were back in cancer land once again, this time with a messy, nasty, stage 4 nightmare... I wanted to be able to walk away from this knowing I did absolutely everything, leaving no stone unturned and with no regrets, so bizarrely, even to myself that meant I had to do it. 
A wise person once told me that all healing is self healing, you have to decide that this therapy, no matter what it is, is going to make you better. If you can get your whole being into that state of mind then you get healed, well it took me a minute to get to that place.

What you see in the picture above is what I have been looking at in treatment for the last 5 weeks, silly childish stickers that some wonderful warrior put there to brighten the day of a fellow cancer patient. Being a big kid at heart I beamed at seeing these on my first nervous day, what a lovely thing to see rainbows and stars stuck onto a three million dollar machine, the message of hope it imparted was a saviour to me on dark days, smile kid, wish yourself well, don't let it get you down... it worked a charm and there are loads of little things like this covertly planted all over the radiation department, in lockers and on walls in the changing rooms, egging us on in this, the last leg of a long series of treatments....It's the little things in life that make the hard things bearable.

I added my own stickers to the machine the other day, can you guess which ?? Tell me your answers, the winner will receive a lifetime's supply of big beautiful hugs !!!

Treatment wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, granted I am quite burnt and a little sore but thanks to my acupuncture team's protocol of supplements, Chinese herbs and a diet rich in seaweed and miso I have emerged once again virtually unscathed. They encouraged me to really up my exercise regime, promising me it would stave off radiation fatigue, so just for shits and giggles I took up jogging, stop laughing. Not only did it work, it was surprisingly empowering, giving me tears of joy runner's highs and a new found faith in my body's strength and resolve.

So today my dears was my last session. No more cancer treatment, I'm done, it's over.............
em what ? 
I'm floored, overjoyed, relieved and somewhat discombobulated, it's a weird and wonderful thing to come to the end of this and then to be done, I feel like a baby that's been birthed from the womb who's not quite sure what to do with all this light and space... it's all a bit blinding and confusing....

I do know one thing though, I am very lucky to be alive, I did my work and earned myself the gold star of a healthy body and spirit, who now loves this life more than she ever did and most importantly loves herself now, body mind and soul. 

I have more to say and many to thank but that's for another post, so if you'll excuse me, I have some celebrating to do.......
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx !!!!!!!!

Tumour v tumor... colour v color......All is good, all is right, no need to fight, love and light ;)

Yes, that is the title of this post and you know what, I like it.
Hello my beauties, Happy New Year ! Well here we are in the middle of January and a lot has happened since my last post.
Let's see, my sister Maeve graced me once again with her glorious presence to get me through the ordeal of pre and post surgery. What a joy to have a family member here to get me through it, there is nothing like family in tough times.
Surgery is an incredibly invasive process on an energetic level, it can take a huge toll on the body, so I decided to do it from an empowered standpoint. The day before, Maeve and I travelled up to the top of Mount Tamalpais, a very beautiful and sacred place just north of San Francisco. Up there above the cloud line I prayed to the spirits of Mum and Dad, to all my ancestors, to my guides and to Great Spirit herself to be with me during surgery, to heal and remove the cancer completely and utterly, on every level. I talked to my body and told it that the surgery was for my highest good and allowed the surgeons in.  I opened myself up energetically to all of you who were praying for me too and invited you into the healing process.
Some of may know that I have been working with a group of women studying Reiki and Shamanism for the past few years, an experience that has changed me profoundly and opened me up in ways I could have never imagined. Well I was utterly blessed to have these amazing women doing distance Reiki on me during my surgery. That, coupled with all of your loving intentions, thoughts and prayers directed my way that day, created a web of love and healing around me that I know protected me from what was a very serious, invasive surgery.
The results were nothing short of amazing.  Something magical happened when I went under the knife, I was completely surrounded in love and support, so much so that when I awoke something was different, I didn't feel sick anymore. It was like I just knew that they got everything out and for the first time in a year I felt healed, body, mind and soul.
When I woke up from the anesthetic I felt surprisingly fine and full of the joys, barely needing painkillers, seriously. I felt so full of life and energy it blew my mind. I was expecting to spend Christmas laid up in bed with poor Maeve feeding me with a spoon and yet there I was running around like a loon, almost normal. She said that caring for me was like trying to take care of a racehorse....
It was amazing and empowering and you know what ?.....
We did that.
The love in your hearts and your well wishes and prayers made a huge difference to my healing process. To me, that's the healing power of love and intention in a nutshell. It proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that we all have sovereign abilities to heal ourselves and others with true heart intention.
Ten days after surgery we saw the nurse and were amazed at how good everything looked, I thought my chest would be covered in blood and bruises and all things horror, (and I guess I have to admit here that I have quite the imagination), but all I saw was clean skin and a small 2 inch scar. No bruises, none, unbelievable. A testament to the skill of the surgeons here at UCSF, no pain and tiny scars after a double mastectomy, they really are amazing at what they do. Lucky, lucky me.

And now for the goodies, I had a meeting with my team a few days ago and they gave me my pathology after surgery.......
Clear margins around the tumour, meaning they were able to cut around the tumour safely, leaving nothing behind.
All lymph nodes biopsied during surgery came back negative for cancer, even the sentinal lymph node they removed..
Skeletal ribs and pectoral wall both tested negative...
Breast skin tested negative too !  Oh and of the tumour removed that measured 6.8mm, only I.8mm of that necrotic mass was actual cancer. So ! Essentially as far as they are concerned, I am actually, currently, cancer FREE...

I'm sorry what ??

Yes folks, that's right, cancer feckin' free !!!!!!
...............
WWWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do a little dance if you so desire...
I accepted this news with a weird calm, hardly digesting it at all. She went on to tell me that  my pathology is about as good a result as you can get from the chemo/surgery combo. In fact they were certain there would be some residual  breast skin cancer and that I would have to do more chemo, (nightmare) but no !  They cannot believe my reaction to chemo and think it's miraculous. Quite frankly so do I.
Of course my team of doctors chalk this down solely to chemotherapy but I think that's a very narrow view to take. Yes chemo works, I am living proof of that fact and very happy for it, but this is not just chemo. This is the result of digging deep into my heart and soul and letting go of old ways that weren't working, countless Reiki sessions, Shamanic journeying, Acupuncture, Traditional Chinese herbs and supplements, diet, counselling, meditation, whatever made sense to me, I did it.
It all came together to give this one beautiful outcome. That's the beauty and power of healing with integrative medicine, it encompasses all and excludes none.
I'm telling you this, not to toot my own horn so you can all think I'm marvellous, rather I think it's really important to know that as individuals, we always have choices in how we go about things, that you can empower yourself, even as a cancer patient, to find the right kind of healing for your own soul.  We are all beautiful, unique spirits trying to learn how to be human's on this glorious planet, maybe what I say here will help someone make a more empowered choice when it comes to their own or a loved one's healing process.
What was deemed to be a curse has turned into a bright and shining gift that has changed me forever for the better and for that I am truly and deeply grateful.
What's next ? Well they are recommending radiation treatment and I'm taking my time to arrive at the right decision, rest assured it'll be the one that'll have me living to a ripe old age, beard and all.
That's all for now my beauties, I am blessed and grateful to have each and every one of you in my life, it just wouldn't be the same without you xxxx

Update Update !!! Read all about it !

I'm alive !!! Haha.. surgery went really well and I'm doing great, the ladies tell me I look good and apart from the pain I'm flying, well, y'know.... more later I just wanted to let ye know that I'm fine, love love love to one and all xxxxxx
Ps that's my pious Caravaggio face..

Glory be to eyebrows and the eyelashes and the hair on my head, Amen !

Hello my lovelies !
Well it's been a while since my last update so I'll fill you in really quick...I finished my last dose of chemo on Nov 20th and have been recovering ever since. It's wonderful to put that behind me and to know that I will never again feel that noxious nausea that made me feel sick to my toes. I wake up feeling better every day as it drains from my body and my immune system recovers.
My gifted acupuncturist Caylie See tells me my pulses improve greatly with each passing week since the chemo ended and that she can hear all of my organ pulses waking up, meaning I am getting stronger in body, mind and spirit.
To my amazement the hair on my head and face started growing back in in the middle of the toughest chemo. I chalk it down to Chinese herbs and my amazing protocol of supplements. I have an almost full head of  soft chicken fluff hair now and will be able to discard the cancer hat very soon and rock the Sinead for a bit, happy days !
The next part of treatment is surgery, which is happening tomorrow ! It'll be a total skin sparing bilateral mastectomy, meaning they'll remove all the breast tissue and leave the skin, with reconstruction later. I am blessed to have an incredible team of  UCSF surgeons giving me the best care I could possibly get, I am thrilled that I decided to do it here in the States and at this hospital, where the level of care is impressive.
Am I worried about the surgery ? Yeah a teeny bit, about as much as anyone would worry about being under anesthesia for 5 hours, but I trust my two surgeons and I trust in my own healing process and that makes it a lot easier.
It's been a long road so far dealing with all of this and at times it's been incredibly hard to go it alone, but strange as it sounds I think that this was meant to be just as it is to teach me about my own strength and to open me up even more to love and to love more. I have done some work to heal the emotional wounds that were part of the reason I got this in the first place and because of that I am ready to let go of old pains and have the cancer physically removed from my body and spirit. So yes I feel ready for it and I know that they will get every last bit of cancer out of my body.
For the last few days I have felt like I've been held in a cocoon of love by all of you, really. I have received so many emails and calls and texts wishing me well and letting me know that I am in your thoughts. I feel almost full to bursting with love and support ! Thank you for all your kind thoughts, love and well wishes, I can feel it very clearly, warming my heart, it gives me so much strength, I feel like superwoman !
Last but not least I want to thank Sean and Brenda Hurley and all of the members of the 31st Cadet class, the extended Hurley family and all of Pat and Milly's dear dear friends who gave so generously to my fundraiser to help me out at this time, your response has overwhelmed me and I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and generosity, it is such an enormous help. Cancer is a terrible thing, but the love, support and humanity you see and feel when you're in it makes it more than tolerable, it makes it magical. You have given me the gift of time to heal in peace and I wish you many blessings in return for your kindness.

Well folks, one must go into prepare mode for tomorrow's big day ! My sister Maeve is with me so she will update my blog post surgery when I'm in the clear and all is well, so sign up for updates if you want to get that email, it'll save her responding to multiple people. Surgery starts around noon SF time tomorrow, (8pm Irish time) and will be 5/6 hours long. So send healing love instead of worry and all will be well.
I am sending you all a magical ball of love, light and gratitude ! See you on the other side xxxxxxxx

Bald as a baldy coot...

Well loves, it's been an interesting few weeks, which started with switching to the tougher double chemotherapy dose called AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan)....a lovely vintage with a musty bouquet of the 70's, with distinct noxious undertones that bring to mind the grassy meadows of Chernobyl on a hot summers day.... hmmm delicious.
 I get the IV infusion on a Wednesday and feel nauseous and disgusting till Sunday. The only way I can describe it is toxic chemical overload.
The first dose was a little much for my bones and sent me into hospital for a few days, nothing too drastic, just neutropenia with a slight fever and a very strange skin reaction to one of the medications that goes along with the treatment.
Simply put cancer is cells multiplying out of control. Chemotherapy works by chemically killing all multiplying cells in your body, cancerous and healthy cells get nuked in the process, this hammers your immune system and takes your blood counts down to very low levels. Conventional cancer treatment is a balancing act of killing the tumour, watching the bloods very closely and making sure the patient is not in the danger zone bloods-wise of having zero white blood cells left to fight off any infection. Neutropenia is a classic side effect of chemotherapy where the fighter bees of the immune system, the white blood cell count or neutrophils, get down to almost nothing, leaving the body very vulnerable because it no longer has the ability to fight off infection, so a simple cold or flu could turn serious fast. Word to the wise; stay well away from a cancer patient if you're sick, the end.
Oncology treats this with a shot called Neupogen or Neulasta that triggers the bone marrow to make more neutrophils, elevating your white blood cell count out of the danger zone. They suspect that I might have had a reaction to the Neulasta shot and my body couldn't handle it, that or they overdosed me and should have given me a week off between the different chemo regimens but hey ! I'm just the patient, what do I know ?!
I had a bit of a fever and an elevated heart rate that normalised after the fever broke so they sent me home. Honestly it was nice to have a break and be waited on hand and foot for a few days by the fabulous staff at UCSF. So much love and thanks to Emily and Margerat for staying with me that weekend.
Treatment wise, I am 4 months in and have two months or more to go, depending. My little friend the tumour continues to reduce cm by cm, down now to 8cm square ! I have two more fortnightly chemo infusions and then a months break before surgery some time in December, then another break and then possible radiation, we'll see. It's all depending on what is left of the cancer after surgery, in my head and my heart I am visualising having no cancer left to radiate, so pray for that instead of worrying about me.
In other news the hair is gone. So have my eyebrows and eyelashes, I look like a cancer patient now, or a baby gerbil, or Duncan Goodhew without the swimming muscles, take your pick but for a vain woman like me it's quite the thing to adjust to. It's incredible how lack of facial hair changes the face, I look so different without it, it's embarrassing really, making simple things like getting a coffee or going to the store a cringe worthy event. People don't mean to but they stare and it makes you feel like a freak, making this one of the hardest parts of the treatment. This will change as I adjust to it, it's just how I feel right now.
After the second dose of AC, the hair went, poof ! Jesus this is strong stuff, you can feel it in your blood, from your throat down to your bowels, when it's doing it's thing and killing those cells during that 5 day period you are taken down in body and spirit, you've only energy to lie down and moan at how utterly disgusting it is. My eyes look different, they lose their spark and my skin looks yellow, it makes you feel sad and despondent, horrible stuff. Then once it's done it's cycle you start to feel better and like your old self again, you have a week to recover and then they dose you again. Fun times. 2 down 2 to go......
On a lighter note my wonderful friends here in SF have set up a meal train where they bring me delicious meals to get me through those five days when I don't have the energy to cook, it's been an amazing help and I thank you all so much for your time, love and energy, especially to Kishi Fuller, a strong and beautiful woman who organised the whole thing, thanks mama !
Thanks to all of you beautiful souls for your calls, cards, emails and texts, it really really helps.
That's another pulitzer prize worthy post for ye folks ! Sending you all sooo much love !

Lucky lucky ladybug...

Where the hell does the time go ? It's been well over a month since my last update, what a slacker....can I pull the cancer card ? too early for cancer humour ? never.
 As you can see the hair had to go, it started to fall out in the shower a month ago and then it became two disgusting dreads so I gave it a buzz cut, it was shocking at first but I'm used to it now, in fact I am loving the little bit of hair I have because pretty soon I'll be bald as a coot with no eyebrows and sweet baby Jesus that'll be another story.
 Treatment is going as well as could be expected, the tumour is continuing to shrink with the latest measurements at a mere 10 x 9, hugely reduced by more than half after 10 weeks. Fantastic.
This week is the first week where I've really felt the effects of chemotherapy with tiredness, sore bones and feeling like my body is letting me down, it must be how ageing is, little things like struggling to open a jar or my hand aching when I try to write, it catches me by surprise and humbles me.... picture me there in the kitchen, jar in hand, spacing out and wondering how could I, superwoman, be affected by chemo.....moi, Kermie ? yes Piggy even you....
 I have always believed that attitude is everything, especially in the case of cancer, I am learning to come out of deep space upstairs and reign in my wandering mind by telling my immune system it's healing and getting better and that everything is going to be fine, instead of feeling like a helpless victim to a misunderstood disease out of control, so far I think it's working.
 As for how I am feeling, sometimes I feel like I'm on an extreme learning curve and have been for a while, life has really been throwing it at me in many ways and I've been taking the time to try and step back and see a bigger picture than one that could appear very sad and unfair. Why do certain people get sick and others not, why do some make it and others not ? What's underneath it all ? These are the things that I have been looking at long and hard for a few months now, looking at my own reasons and trying to heal every aspect of why I am here going through this. To me, cancer is a big wake up call that you must listen to. You have to learn to forgive whatever you're holding onto and let go. We carry so much stuff around in our hearts and then wonder why we feel less than happy, it's ridiculous isn't it ? Well maybe not, it took cancer for me to see that. It's really challenging at times but I'm working hard because more than anything I want to get better and come out the other side. I want to heal every facet of my body, mind and soul so that I can be of help to others going through this and shine a light onto what can be a very dark time but needn't be, it can be joyful, meaningful and if you try and make it so, illuminating.
 The one and only Studdert family organised an amazing tea morning for me recently and reading the lovely card that you sent I am touched that so many of my beloved parents friends came along and gave so generously, it meant so much and I thank you all so much for your love and support.
 Because of everyone's help and generosity I have the time and energy to devote to healing and some self- reflection, this would be a very different and difficult experience for me if it wasn't for your help, I am so grateful for your loving and giving hearts, the laughs and the letters and reaching out all push me along and keep me sane so thank you my friends, I am sooo grateful to you all.
 Please know that I am getting your emails and messages, this process can be overwhelming and communication can be the hardest part, I have long lists and I am trying to get back to you, be patient with me, I am so happy to hear from you.
 Well this update has been plaguing me for weeks so I better hit send and be done with it,
 Sending you all so much love and more than looking forward to some big and beautiful hugs when this is all said and done,
Aisling xxxxxx